Mean Girls

Watching this on “movie night” with a group of friends is fun. It’s a pivotal teen comedy from a very specific time, where the wisecrackerey occasionally overshadows Tina Fey/Daniel Waters’ point, which is: Hey, kids! Quit being shitty to each other.

My Mom Jayne

Prolific cop thespian Mariska Hargitay spills the tea on her nutty origin story which mostly involves being the daughter of glamor gal Jayne Mansfield. But there are many more twists in her family saga which she documents with great personal effect. If there was an Emmy for most personal film, she would win. Filmmaking is nothing fancy. It’s pretty straightforward and aims to educate and inform. You can’t help but root for the hero as she recalls being batted around from parent to parent and somehow turning out okay.

Children of Men

Still so, so impressive. Taut direction, a break-neck pace, and astute performances. The medical issues and the “fugee” camps keep this eerily relevant. What makes this different from current events is: there’s actually hope for humanity at the end of the film. In reality, there isn’t much.

Velvet Underground

Watched this 2021 doc about the seminal band by Todd Haynes. Like the band and the other mopers in Andy Warhols’s factory, this has a dull drone to it, like it’s testing the audience to stay alert -- akin to some of Warhol’s long, off-the-wall film experiments. It’s a heroine-induced slog. I would have appreciated a more Ken Burns take with real information and insight.

F1

F1 SPORTSCASTER: "Even though he's in last place in this race, we're going to be talking about washed-up, old racer Sonny Hayes the entire time because he's the subject of this movie and he's being played by Brad Pitt! Vroom! Blimey! Look at him go!"

Formula One racing seems to be having a moment. Hollywood-izing this very European sport makes perfect sense, and Jerry Bruckheimer is the prophet of choice to send this message – things go VROOM. Writers and filmmakers inject some of the data strategy and timing involved with this team sport, which is interesting if not totally vroomy. Types of tires, lengths of pitstops, and aerodynamics are all dramatized with Bruckheimerian energy. Lots of accented, European engineers fuss about “combat”, “victory”, and different colored flags. Brad Pitt stews a lot, and occasionally grimaces. And the theater we saw this in had vibrating seats. All told it’s a good popcorn movie and you get your money’s worth, even if it is just propaganda.

Carry-On

I’ll write this review with the same tool I believe the screenplay was written: with ChatGPT.com.  

PROMPT: Write a snarky, sarcastic, 5 sentence movie review of the 2024 movie "Carry-On" starring Taron Egerton and Jason Bateman. 

 “Carry-On” is the movie equivalent of getting stuck in airport security behind someone with 14 loose change trays and a mysterious metal hip. Taron Egerton gives it his best shot, bless him, trying to act like this isn’t just Die Hard in Terminal C. Jason Bateman looks like he wandered in from a darker, more interesting movie—and decided to stay just to punish us. The plot tries to build suspense but ends up feeling like a TSA instructional video with more blood and worse lighting. By the end, you’re not rooting for anyone—you’re just praying your flight boards early.

The Life of Chuck

A surprisingly poignant essay about life and death adapted from a Stephen King short story. This is more about chapters and segments. It relies less on a driving plot or suspense, and more on exploring the themes. Very well acted throughout in a sub-genre I would describe as “What the fuck is going on?” We find out in due time, and it’s a sad, but thoughtful explanation. Describing it in more detail runs the risk of this coming off as corny, but filmmakers approach the story with such unalloyed sincerity that, well, you just have to see it. Or live it.

Predator: Killer of Killers

Interesting and watchable anime from the "Predator" universe, expanding the world of the “Yautja” (predator species) and their brutal rituals. The capable humans hunted for sport seem to get abducted anyway, unlike the Schwarzeneggers of yore, which feels like a retcon (“retroactive continuity”) intended build-out the universe. That’s fine. Milk it for all it’s worth, movie studio. But just don’t fuck with Prey too much. It’s kinda special.

Ballerina

At the outset, John Wick was different. Because instead of the old chestnut, “You killed my father…” the bad guys killed his puppy and stole his car. It paints pain and revenge in a different light. Here, we’re back with the “You killed my father…” trope, so the story and plot just isn’t that surprising. Nevertheless, writers and filmmakers include a couple of creative sequences when weapons and settings are used in unique ways, and that makes for a fun, light-hearted night at the movies – but lacking the John Wick gravitas.

Mickey 17

An interesting stick-it-to-the-rich sci-fi parable that reminds me of Moon and all things Terry Gilliam. It’s well-made and unpredictable, but maybe not as “fun” as it could be. It’s grotesque at times, and often sad. Robert Pattinson is good as the disposable person in the parable; naïve and optimistic about the potential for a world without assholes.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever

Inspired by a supposed true story, this has a big heart. For better or worse, it’s pro-military and anti-news media. At first it’s a nutty, period, bro comedy, but gets more and more serious as the war escalates. The main dude, a proficient Zac Efron, does have an arc though, and returns from the war in Vietnam with doubts about it all.

Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning

I’ve always really liked all of these movies. But there were moments in this when I felt like it was dragging on. Nothing really seems impossible anymore. We know Ethan’s not going to die, right? But if he’s out on the wing of the plane anyway, they might as well milk it for all it’s worth. In any event, there’s only so much popcorn in the bucket…

The Boys in the Boat

"Chariots of Water." Everything about the look and the production is top-notch, but the story feels so over-done and corny. George Clooney can direct – we know that. But the script here tries so hard to be an inspirational, period sports-movie. It’s too predictable and doesn’t really resonate.

Better Man

Generally, I admire risk. Here, filmmakers try to usurp the formula by embracing it wholeheartedly, except for one crazy change. You almost have to do something nutty like this to tell the Robbie Williams story, because the music itself is kind of ho-hum. So they make Robbie a chimp for the entire movie – and commit to the bit. It jumps around from genre to genre. Sometimes it’s a rousing dance musical and sometimes it’s a Ken Loach, kitchen sink drama. It’s an interesting experiment, but it’s too long and ultimately a bit confusing.

Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker

Re-watched this on the plane. Most of the time when the Star Wars nerds talk about this movie, they complain about Emperor Palpatine “returning” somehow. But I don’t have a huge problem with that. The series has firmly established cloning, projecting your consciousness through space, and mind control. So the emperor having another body in which to beam his psyche is fine with me. There are plenty of other logic problems in this, which I don’t mind that much. Bottom line: you have to hand it to Daisy Ridley, who carries this series with physicality and charisma. IMHO, she’s an excellent bearer of the Skywalker legacy.

The Amateur

This didn’t really move my needle. I like Rami Malek and I like revenge, but if you’re signing up for a revenge movie, the villain needs to die, preferably by having his face ripped off by the hero (ref Fury Road). The thinking man’s comeuppance here doesn’t really satisfy.

Moneyball

It’s been a while since I’ve watched this baseball/data movie and it’s still impressive they made a sports movie about spreadsheets. This wants to depict the old guys with the old way of doing things as the villains and the nerds as the heroes. But knowing what I know about baseball, some heart and intuition is still required to play the game.

Death of a Unicorn

This intends to be a horror-comedy (the trailer played pretty funny), but it’s executed like a straight-forward horror creature-feature. It also intends to stick-it to the rich, but the need for a body count means that some misguided scientists and employees also get horned. What remains is a horror movie that’s not very scary and a comedy that’s not very funny. The premise is the strongest part of this. Themes involving pillaging the natural world to monetize important medical cures make for satisfying impalings. The cast, especially Rudd and Ortega, are up to the task. But it won’t resonate. There’s a magical Sam Raimi-ish, Bruce Campbell-ish ingredient that’s lacking.

Inside Out 2

The teenager trying to fit in and befriend the cool kids, while shunning her old, nerdy friends is a typical movie problem. We’ve seen it 10 million times in every third film throughout film history. But Pixar knows how to make shit poignant, and they do a graceful, bang-up job here. While not as surprising as the first movie, this natural sequel is executed masterfully.

Black Bag

This is one of those movies where you have to pay really close attention in the first 10 minutes or you’ll be lost the whole time. Unfortunately, I saw this at the Alamo Drafthouse and there was all kinds of commotion and drink orders and stuff, so I was a little behind. Long, dimly-lit dinner scenes dominate the plot. Soderbergh and company expertly tell this bickery, low-action spy story well, but it’s not much of an adrenalin rush. Secrets are overheard, lies are told, and doubts are expressed. The stakes are high because the secret spy software could cause a nuclear meltdown, but that’s all offscreen. The real onscreen weapon is Cate Blanchett’s cheekbones, which seem especially pointy and chiseled here, which either means she had too much of something injected, or it was purposely done by the filmmakers to make us suspect she’s the villain. Either way, the moral of the story is solid: if you’re married, stick together and you may fall into a small bit of unaccounted-for spy money.

The Monkey

In the lexicon of Stephen King movies, there’s pre-Misery and post-Misery (with exceptions). This feels like a pre-Misery, non-Kubrickian adaptation, chock-full of overacting, goofy supporting characters, and playful violence. You don’t really have a lot to think about on the drive home, here. Death is coming and you can’t stop it. Also, toy monkeys are creepy. 

The Wild Robot

“Number 5 is alive!” There’s oodles of cute animals and heart-warming themes in this solid and lovingly-derivative animation. Environmental and parental motifs abound. It’s inspirational to see filmmakers successfully attempt to float a positive message out to humanity in these downtrodden times. 

Captain America: Brave New World

I wanted to like this, and watching it was a perfectly enjoyable experience. Anthony Mackie has the authentic bravado and lots of things go “swoosh” and “crash.” But it does feel like an afterthought. The Marvel universe painted itself into a corner. Where do you go after the Deadpool-Spiderman-time-travel-multiverse? So we’re back to political intrigue, which is fine. But it’s not rock-concert exciting.

Venom: Let There Be Carnage

I’m not wildly enthusiastic about these Venom movies. They just pass the time on a plane. But for better or for worse, you have to hand it to Tom Hardy. He’s often in scenes by himself, playing off himself in the form of this primal alter-ego, and his technique and commitment is respectable.

Anora

An extremely well-directed indie gem with great performances. But! The editor could’ve taken one more pass. Not necessarily to reduce the running time, but to shift focus away from the mouthy gangsters, and back on to Ani, the hero. Her performance is so volatile and complicated. It’s a historically brave and vulnerable turn from Mikey Madison. The audience often realizes things at the same time that she does, and her reactions are utterly human and heartbreaking. Yet another movie that came out in 2024 that concludes with a woman collapsing and crying in a pitiful heap. I’ve asked in this space before: Hey, women! Are you okay?

The Substance

Where did this script come from? How did this movie get made? How the HELL did this grotesque fever-dream get a Best Picture nomination? Everyone involved seems to be fully committed and in-on-the-gag. And it’s just about the riskiest big-swing you could make in Hollywood. You can’t help but admire the huge gamble this is by Demi Moore, Margaret Qualley, et al. Ultimately, the parable of the beauty myth devolves into full-blown early Peter Jackson/David Cronenberg, Grand Guignol perversion and the point starts to get lost. In the final third, when it really becomes ridiculous and we’ve learned all we can, we start to wish they would just wrap things up. It gets silly and gross. But man, oh man, did they light a fuse and say something to the world. “A” for effort. Well-played, guys.

A Real Pain

The difference between someone neurotic & slightly anxious and someone deeply manic & bi-polar is on full display in this well-written, complicated road-trip, buddy dramedy. The resolution is foggy. The trip ends. But Kieran Culkin’s emotional basket-case hasn’t found any peace, and that’s a bummer. Should movies resolve? Or is it okay for them to just stop? Don’t ask me. I just work here.

The Gorge

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: We need a new movie about a sniper. 

STUDIO BOSS: Meh. It’s been done. 

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: How about a sniper who falls in love? 

STUDIO BOSS: Kinda stale. 

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: …with another sniper! 

STUDIO BOSS: (yawning) And... 

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: But wait: there’s more! They’re on the opposite sides of... (thinking quickly of a metaphor) a deep gorge. 

STUDIO BOSS: To do what? 

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Snipe! 

STUDIO BOSS: Snipe what? 

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Uh… zombies, of course! 

STUDIO BOSS: At some point they're going to FALL INTO the gorge full of zombies, right?

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: You can bet your sweet bippy!

STUDIO BOSS: And there will be zombies riding zombie horses, right?

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Uh... Of course. Sure. Why not? It’s all a metaphor for societies' growing divisions and… 

STUDIO BOSS: Yeah, yeah, yeah... How pretty are the actors? 

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: The prettiest. 

STUDIO BOSS: Sold.

Becoming Led Zeppelin

Why should a rockumentary follow the rags-to-riches, sex and drugs formula? Led Zeppelin’s new contribution is significant for all the debaucherous details it leaves out. The drugs and the groupies and the heroine are absent. To fill the space there are long takes of live recordings; fantastic renditions from their first record. Band-member, talking-head interviews go into detail about the recording and engineering techniques, as well as shrewd business dealings giving them all the power. The IMAX of it all emphasizes the sound mix, not so much the picture, and the movie sounds great. Insight about the band members isn’t deep, but it isn’t intended to be. It’s about the rock and roll musical process, inventing heavy metal, and it’s a rich listen.

The Brutalist

 In my imagination, the schematic of how this movie was made starts with the filmmakers wondering why "The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay" hadn’t been adapted into a movie yet. And when they learn the rights are all tied up and it’s in development hell, they make an end run – lifting many of the themes and concepts, but making it about an architect instead of a comic book artist. I’m surprised more critics and culture nerds haven’t pointed out the similarities, because there are many. There are also similarities (not in a bad way) to the various sagas about tycoons and money. There Will Be Blood. The Wolf of Wall Street. Citizen Kane. The Getty movies. The list goes on, and the thesis being demonstrated is billionaires are creeps. The serious approach to the subject allows for heavy acting and situations, and not much room for levity. All the technical aspects are strong and the acting by the leads is exceptional. But upon walking out of the theater, instead of feeling satisfied by this beautiful epic, I felt a little icky and empty. Like the architecture too, I suppose. The negative is as important as the positive space. It’s all very skillful and deliberate, which means there’s a LOT to admire. Even the credits are interesting. But you won’t be humming a happy little tune as you leave the theater. It ain’t Barbie.