Noah

Darren Aronofsky and company approach this adaptation of the bible with a nifty business model: do it like a Lord of the Rings movie! Like Peter Jackson’s opus, Noah’s god-fearing fable is approached with utmost regard, scope, and technique. Russell Crowe is great here; super–comfortable and formidable as the kook who dreams up the big plan to save humanity. The rest of the cast is strong, too --serious and reverential about their roles. Whether or not the writers of the bible intended for their myths to be interpreted so grandiosely with giant rock monsters and stuff, it’s obviously fantastic, free source material ripe for interpretation. Because no matter what anybody says about the old testament, whether they “believe” it or not, there’s one thing on which we can all agree:  The bible is fuckin’ CRAZY!

Divergent

I’m not sure I “got” this. As far as science fiction allegories go, this seems to be a diatribe against standardized testing and Myers-Briggs personality profiling, i.e. sorting teenagers into predestined life paths. Main teenager Beatrice gets all upset when her futuristic S.A.T. test comes up inconclusive, but why should she? She still gets to choose for herself during a weird bloodletting “choosing” ceremony. So what’s the big fucking deal? Like The Hunger Games, this futuristic society has these caste systems in place, but the only way to ideologically object or stand up to the system is to kick people’s ass. Cue the one-hour training montage wherein Beatrice learns to kick ass. Shailene Woodley does a competent job of keeping your attention while you wait for the story to start. When it finally does it’s brief and confused. There’s no decent explanation for why the “intelligentsia” caste wants to invade and/or take over the “selfless” caste. It’s probably a metaphor for something, but I’m not sure what. Anyway, there’s a lot of training and teen romance and fighting and pep talks and more training and it’s dystopia so nothing makes sense and blah, blah, blah. I hope teenagers like this and it makes a lot of money for Lionsgate. As for me, I regret to say I need my sci-fi allegories to be a little more, um, acute?

Non-Stop

This reminded me of a lot of the other plane movies: Passenger 57, Air Force One, Executive Decision, Red Eye. Thankfully Liam Neeson holds your attention well during the otherwise typical proceedings. It’s fun to watch, but I must admit, I rolled my eyes a bit when Neeson’s air marshall finally solves the mystery and reveals the villainous motives of the evil high-jackers. It felt a little “tacked on” and “ripped from the headlines.” Anyhoo, it’s a fun experience, despite the lack of emotional fulfillment.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Ralph Fiennes in a comedy! Who knew? And it’s a comedy through and through. Unfortunately, this means it lacks the emotional punch of some of the other Wes Anderson movies. On par for the filmmakers, it’s designed within an inch of its life. Every color, every last detail is precious. “It insists upon itself.”  There’s nothing wrong with that, but when you leave the theater wondering: what was the point? It might be time to change it up a little. I say: bring Owen Wilson back as a writing partner.

300: Rise of an Empire

The Original 300 raised a certain kind of bar for hyper-reality and overacting. The spraying blood and ridiculous visuals were matched well by Gerard Butler’s screaming and posturing. In a way, a new genre was born. This current iteration lacks the charismatic hero of the former. Not that there’s anything wrong with Themistocles or his quest, but he acts like he might be more at home in a more historically accurate sword and sandal pic.

ON THE OTHER HAND… Eva Green smirks, bitches, and wisecracks her way into stealing this movie out from everyone else. Her bellowing and self-aggrandizement is HYSTERICAL. She seems like she truly understands what Gerry Butler had achieved and she’s determined to surpass his heroic histrionics with her own deliciously conniving villainy. She takes what could have been a tolerable but unremarkable movie and turns it up to eleven.