Piranha 3D

Quick, Elizabeth Shue, that guy needs a bandage! Rip off your shirt and use it as a tourniquet! Oh no! Now there are hundreds of partying girls in bikinis being eaten! In 3-D! There’s blood everywhere! It looks like the opening of Saving Private Ryan! But your kids are lost in a boat out on the lake! Better go save them! Thank God Ving Rhames is there to chop up a few of the dino-fish and thank God Doc Brown is there to explain the plot! Swim, Elizabeth Shue’s horny, thickheaded son! Swim for your life!

Middle Men

A strong, fast-paced bio-pic cut from the same cloth as Blow and Boogie Nights. Luke Wilson plays it perfectly, a laid-back, light-on-his-feet Texas businessman. A good guy in over his head. Supporting cast is a mixed bag. The filmmakers didn’t reinvent the wheel, but it’s an interesting slice of embellished history and it’s never boring.

The Expendables

Really felt like it time-travelled from the 80’s. So it’s not nostalgic, or even tongue-in-cheek, it’s a bona fide throwback, for better or worse. I’m amazed Kurt Russell didn’t show up. Stallone and the gang all seem like they’re having fun, even though the script is weak and doesn’t make sense most of the time. Also, it could have been a little more violent. I’m happy for Stallone, but… meh.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

Great! It’s not the second coming, but the special thing about this feast of eye-candy is that the filmmakers appear to have an unbridled joy of movies. They seem to love cinema, and editing, and hero and villain clichés and all the sugary ingredients that cook-up to make an enjoyable night at the theatre. The playful comic-book, video-game devices keep the story rocketing forward and the laughs rolling in. The dialogue is snappy and quick-witted, the music is catchy, and the effects are all uber original and creative. Kudos to everyone involved.

The Other Guys

The sillier of the “bromance” comedies this weekend, The Other Guys does a good job of landing jokes and keeping the action spry. It’s a featherweight spoof more determined to showcase Ferrell/Wahlberg schtick than goof on particular cop movie clichés, which is fine. How could any movie surpass Loaded Weapon 1?

Dinner for Schmucks

Succeeds because Steve Carell and Paul Rudd own and embody their characters SO WELL. If there had been any winking at the camera or any false notes, the whole comedy house-of-cards would have collapsed. But because you have to believe that Carell’s socially inept recluse has the best possible intentions, the preposterous situations set up and payoff skillfully, creating an explosion of humiliation about every three minutes. It runs long and it doesn’t really surprise story-wise, but the characterizations are expertly, sublimely goofy.